Comments on: How to Say It: Can I help you?

By: Paul

Paul — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 22:49:27 +0000

Nick – a friend forwarded your most recent article to me. Honestly, it’s one of the best written pieces that captures the pain – and hope – in a job search. I facilitate a job networking group at my church…a ministry I founded with 2 others. Why? Because I’ve been there, and know the pain. I also know the hope that is out there from people holding each other up. It occurred to me this past week that, while our group does some serious networking, we also provide that hope to one another. I’m proud to be associated with this ministry. Thanks for writing this…

By: John H Steinberg

John H Steinberg — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 21:02:59 +0000

No great success story to share yet (one interview in 18 months!) but I turn to your commentary on the tragic story of Helen.

I was moved by your humane reaction to her loss and the simple prescription for alleviating the pain or alienation of other job seekers. I am thankfully not in dire emotional or financial straits, but I marvel about how few people really want to know ‘how it’s going’. Maybe they’re afraid of hearing how bad things are or more likely just disinterested.

People are often disappointing. But you’re not and I believe your advice that people simply look out for others (and bury their fear, in my opinion) could go a long way.

In a world where you don’t even get a piddling electronic acknowledgment half the time of your efforts to sell your wares, how refreshing to see that there’s a real human being at the author’s desk at your blog.

You deserve your success. Keep it up.

By: Nick Corcodilos

Nick Corcodilos — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 18:12:17 +0000

I’ve shared this forum with Helen, along with some of your e-mails (ID info omitted except where you requested I pass it along). The e-mail flow on this has been not only heartening – it’s been huge!

Every time I start worrying about where we’re all heading in our world… I find people thinking and acting like they care, and like they can affect where we all wind up.

It’s a blessing to know you all and to have the chance to share thoughts, ideas and plans for what to do next. Thank you.

By: Donna

Donna — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:40:44 +0000

Next month, my brother will be out of work for a year. He became very depressed and started isolating himself. At 33, he very nearly drank himself to death and it was only by sheer luck (he collapsed outside among people) that he was admitted to the hospital with acute pancreatitis.

Thankfully, he is home now and his friends and family are all trying to help him get back on his feet. The good news is that he is more receptive to professional help now and is motivated to rebuild his life.

My heart goes out to Helen. If you can, Nick, would you convey to her that she is in the thoughts and prayers of me and, I’m sure, your many other readers?

Thank you.

By: Diane

Diane — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 15:37:59 +0000

Hi,

Just wanted to say I find this one of your better columns. Not only during the holiday season, but every so often we need to do this; i.e., reach out to others.

Thanks for pointing that out!

Also, on a slight tangent…. I really think that’s one thing that differentiates the era when my parents grew up versus now – I think there was more of that spirit of reaching out and helping than there is today.

By: Michele Bottaro

Michele Bottaro — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 05:09:03 +0000

My eyes are wet after reading Nick’s entry about the woman whose husband disappeared and was found dead by suicide. There are so many people who are anxious and frightened these days, it’s good to find kindness and empathy expressed so well.

I am an artist and have been thinking a lot lately about the hobos during the Great Depression. There was a certain cat symbol left on gates by begging hobos that translated to “a good woman lives here,” meaning they’d likely find a meal if they knocked on her door. Back then, men offered to do a chore or two in exchange for a meal, and then they’d move on in their search for work.

Thank you, Nick, for the hope you offer your readers and the kindness you offered the woman who wrote to you.

By: JB King

JB King — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 22:27:58 +0000

Granted my gender is somewhat obscured by the fact that I go by my initials, they do stand for John Brock so I would be one of the men answering this. I was named after my father and grew up being called, “JB,” almost all the time. John Brock King II is quite a mouthful and has a nice ring to it in some cases.

“How can I help?” is the key along with understanding that there isn’t a simple solution here, notice that there is only one “how” in the title when I think a pair would be better and that this is a case where can is more appropriate than may as this is the question of ability not necessarily permission. While something may work in one case, it may be useless in a dozen others. Some people are in touch with their feelings and others may take a while before they open up. Knowing that one is accepted and loved can be a huge gift that all of us can give yet it seems like we hide this all too often in society.

I’ve had a couple of times now where I was crying my heart out in front of a bunch of people. While some may think it isn’t very manly, it is nice to know that some people are OK with that and think it is wonderful that I feel comfortable enough to share that with them. I remember 15 years ago now that I had a similar episode that had some terrible results as it was my boss’ boss’ boss who was a VP of the company that was rather distressed at how upset I was.

I work as a Web Developer so I can relate on the technical material much more usually. Sometimes though, it helps to share a piece of my heart and see what happens.

By: Maureen

Maureen — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 21:22:54 +0000

Wow! This article is so well written and honest; it really touched me. The only thing I can relate it to is spending time with my terminally ill Mom. When we first found out her cancer is incurable, I really didn’t know what to say and had some worry about spending time and what to say when the situation is so dire for her.
When I read this article, I realized just spending time, listening and validating a person that is in a bad situation makes a huge difference.
I am a software developer and make a good wage but have been wanting to give back by doing something like helping people learn computers or related things.
Your article has really inspired me and I can tell how talented you are in your craft.
Thanks for caring about others and taking the time to bring awareness to these issues. I am committing to help out more in 2010 and I’m ordering your book as well as I’m really impressed with your sincere and useful comments.
I really enjoyed reading the other comments too.

By: Lucille

Lucille — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:58:52 +0000

I’d like to see some men comment here.

By: Nancy

Nancy — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 19:05:54 +0000

We all experience challenges in life, or bumps in the road. How we react to these challenges sets the stage for its resolution and the path it follows. Professionally and personally I experienced some severe losses over the past two years, yet through it all I manage to smile, pick myself up and wipe the tears away. I even managed to obtain the respect of one of my mentors for the way I held myself to a high standard through a life changing situation. I feel honoured to be regarded so highly by someone I looked up to for many years. What sets me (because I can only speak for myself) apart from others who have failed, or perhaps taken longer paths to success is my attitude and those little angels in my life. I am not religious – but I believe that people enter and leave our lives for a reason or a season or a lifetime (sound familiar?!). I believe that the reason I am here today, and on another climb up another hill with another grin on my face is because of those angels. The man in the store who was extra kind to me because he knew I needed it; the friend that calls when I’m down because she felt I needed her, the family support and the good fortune I experience all make me want to get up in the morning and try again. Smiling is contagious and I KNOW for certainty that reacting to a negative situation and taking it on as a challenge serves more than ‘woe is me’.
I have read the comments above and I agree that we’ve all been touched in many, many ways. It’s so important, especially this time of year where depression is high, to take a few minutes and ask someone how they are, and wait for the response (and mean it!)
I feel lucky to be here and lucky to have gotten back on track and it’s not because of my hard work or dedication but because of those little helping hands I’ve received along the way.

Back to the column of today. The content and timing could not have been better. I have been a reader for several years Nick and have even had the privilege of having my comments ‘published’ on your site.
Your insight and frankness is appreciated, as is your compassion today. I’ve had experiences in my life where one phone call or well timed hug has made the difference. I can relate to Greg’s feeling of helplessness, but here I am on the other side. I’m in a job that satisfies me, and it’s going to be a stepping stone to ‘what I was meant to do’ in part due to your sage advice and those mental hugs I receive from time to time from those little angels that find me.

Thanks again Nick.

All the best to you and yours.